“Playing the Cards Life has Dealt”
“I do not want CF anymore!!!!” I think most everyone with CF or any disease will utter those words at some point in their life. Depression is no fun. As I get older and the fight becomes harder the depression has gotten worse. The frequency of exacerbations (CF infections) has increased over the years. The progression of my CF has been hard to deal with at times. Since CF is a progressive disease it is hard when you are doing pretty well and then out of nowhere CF rears its ugly head.
I went through a time when I was very depressed and had thoughts of ending it all. I had the mentality that I was going to die anyway so why prolong the inevitable. When I say “die anyway” I mean from CF or CF related things. Yes I know, everyone will die and we don’t know when that is but when you have an incurable disease you are pretty certain of your future. You may not know the time but you know what’s coming. During this time of major depression I was not doing what I needed to do to take care of myself like breathing treatments or taking enzymes. I was very good at hiding my real thoughts and feelings. I always had a smile on. I learned how to fool everyone when on the inside I was just waiting to die because I did not want to do it anymore. There are still days when it just gets overwhelming and I just do not want to do it anymore. Taking care of myself is draining. I get very tired of taking tons of pills and liquids, doing multiple breathing treatments, lots of airway clearance, “Club Med” stays, home I.V.’s, shortness of breath, coughing, wheezing, coughing stuff up including blood, being known on first name basis by the hospital and doctors, and just plain fighting.
CF Happens 