Distant

First of all before I get into this post.  I just have to say, it is so nice to have a working laptop again.  My laptop quit working a few weeks back.  I turned it on and it had on screen.  I held off as long as I could but being stuck in the office at the desk is not the way I like to spend my days and evenings.  It was tax free weekend this past weekend so I bit the bullet and got a new laptop.  Of course the one I chose was sold out and I had to wait for it to be sent to me.  Well today it got here and I am tying this on my new laptop!!!  Freedom!!!!

Now back to the point of this post….My husband tells me that I get distant when I am getting sick or having an off day mentally or physically.  Well one of my best friends asked me today if I was ok because I seemed “distant.”  I don’t realize that I am being distant until someone says something to me.  I was in tears today in frustration.  Let me explain.  I have not been feeling good for about a week.  I have been powering through it as best I can.  Obviously not good enough…hahaha.  I get frustrated when I am sick.  I just want to be better and feel better.  I dislike not being myself very much.  Like I said, I don’t realize that I am pulling away.  I think that part of it is that I go into survival mode.  I don’t like pulling anyone down with me when I don’t feel good.  I know people say that I can’t pull them down.  What I mean by that is I don’t like other people to stop their lives in order to worry about me.  I know it is a natural thing to worry about the ones you love but it is different when you are the sick one.  When you are the sick one you don’t want to be the center of attention, or at least you don’t want to be the center of attention because of your sickness.  You would rather be the center of attention because you have a booger hanging out of your nose.

I don’t purposely pull away or become distant but I guess that is what I do.  I was in tears because I was frustrated with the fact that I get distant or short and don’t talk much.  I don’t want others to think it is them because it is not.  It is me.  Yes, the typical break up line of, “it’s not you, it’s me.”  It is hard to not be where you want to be health wise.  You just want to make your body do what it is supposed to.  Struggling to breathe, being short of breath, coughing attacks, coughing up nasty junk, headache, sore throat, achy, sore, etc. it is hard work.  I don’t want to be sickly and needy.  I want to be the one who helps, not the one who needs help.  I don’t like having to “take a break” from life.  I like running around doing all the stuff I have to/get to do.  I like keeping busy.  I don’t like feeling lazy.  I know taking care of myself and resting is not being lazy but that is the way others may view it.

There was an article on Facebook about what it is like to be chronically ill.  Here is the article… http://thoughtcatalog.com/lauren-anne/2014/08/what-its-really-like-to-be-chronically-ill/  It was on point.  Knowing that there is no cure and that you must endure is very hard some days.  All you want is to be able to wake up normal and go on about your day.  Not have a coughing fit, not cough up nasty junk, not feeling like complete butt, not hurting, not struggling to breathe, not having stomach pain, not having to do treatments and take medicines just to get through the day.  It is very hard for others to realize the reality that goes on inside my body because I look fine.  Skinny, no choice, CF perk but stomach pain and much more to be that way, no crutches or wheelchair as a visual reminder, etc.  I guess that I just want people to be sensitive to the fact that you can’t see all illnesses.  No I don’t  have a bald head from chemo and I’m not toting around oxygen (yet).  I also want people to realize that even though I look fine, they didn’t see me having coughing fits and doing a treatment right before walking out the door in hopes that it will last me the whole time I am gone.

Sorry if this post is all over the place.  I guess I am excited that I am sitting in my recliner watching TV with my husband while typing this instead of stuck in the office. haha

Until next time…

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