Burden

My friend shared the picture below on facebook and it got my mind turning.  “Burden” is such a strong word when speaking of relationships, friends and family.  As a person with CF (I speak for myself) you tend to feel like a “burden” to those around you when you aren’t feeling well or having an “off” day.  When you are “on your game” and feeling decent or good enough it is different.  The definition of burden is a load, especially a heavy one.  There are times that you feel like your existence (with CF) is all around a burden because plans have to change, things don’t go as planned, sacrifices are made and all you want is to be “normal” and have “normal people” problems.

burden

I also have the ever so lovely depression on top of CF, double whammy if you ask me.  As you know, I am on prednisone right now which doesn’t help the depression and easily annoyed part of things.  Throw in some PMS and you just need to lock me in a padded room for awhile.  It is scary to feel no control over what comes out of your mouth and the emotions you have.

It is hard not to apologize for being the way you are, the way you were wired because you are sorry that it isn’t “easier” for all involved.  I am an open book when it comes to CF and depression for the simple reason that I hope my life will help someone else in the long run.

Unfortunately there was a time in my life that I felt like a burden to the person closest to me.  It seemed as though things would be “easier” if I wasn’t in their picture anymore.  No, nothing morbid like death/suicide just that they didn’t want to deal with my life anymore.  Thankfully I found my worth and no longer feel that way.  That’s not to say that when I am sick and less than motivated to do much of anything that I don’t feel like a burden because at times I do.  I know that the feeling will pass and I have to keep pushing.  Sometimes the mental struggle is harder than the physical one and there is no quick fix to it which sucks.  Although a beach, ocean and sunshine would help immensely if you ask me.  With all of that said, I long to be able to contribute to our family financially and get very bummed that I can no longer work and help in that way.  That in some ways makes a person feel more of a burden than a benefit.  I know that our house can function without me although it would be a bit more chaotic but I also know that I am needed and what I do matters.

This seems to be another edition of “Random thoughts by Shannon.”  haha

Until next time…

One thought on “Burden

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