I guess I am really in my feelings today so bear with me. I came across a news article about Rory of “Joey + Rory” the country duo and her battle with cancer. In that article I found another link and then finally the link to This Life I Live blog. Tears rolled down my cheeks as I read what he wrote, “So we don’t have forever. We’ve got right now. And that’s enough.” I don’t have a clue why this is hitting me so hard today but it is doing a number on my tear ducts.
I just know that my husband is my “Joey” (when you take his blog post into account) and has told me that he wants all the time that we can have together and he doesn’t want to waste any of it. I don’t know what it is like to be the person that loves “the sick person” and knowing you will lose them one day. Yes, I have many friends with CF and I know the inevitable but it is different. My spouse sees all the ins and outs of my life with CF… the good, the bad, and the ugly and still loves me. He is always reminding me that he loves ALL of me, CF life included. He also reminds me that he chose to love me and I can’t get rid of him. I still am baffled at times why he chose me. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not going to question too much because I have a great thing and I don’t want to make him second guess his choice. haha
I didn’t know that I would ever find “the one” after enduring what I endured in my past marriage. It took a lot to overcome the mental/emotional state of that part of my life. I am still in awe most days that our paths crossed for a second time allowing us to reconnect and to give this love thing a go. Here we are 9 years later. I’m not the easiest person to love at time. Well I say that and my husband disagrees but I feel like I can be a difficult subject to love at times. I’m stubborn, emotional, quiet, a loaner, a people person, determined, super type A, OCD and have a big heart and will help others before myself. So basically I’m all over the place. Oh wait some might say that I am a “woman” so duh. haha
There are many times that I don’t even know what to do with my feelings and emotions. It’s like they come out of nowhere and catch me off guard. When that happens I feel bad because I can’t even express how I’m feeling and here is my husband who wants to help me but I can’t even put it into words. I know he hates it because as the man he wants to be able to take care of everything and make all the wrongs right in my world.
In Joey’s blog post he wrote, “…We came home. Not to die. But to live,” after getting the news that there wasn’t anymore that could be done. The doctors did give them an estimated time but when they got home and saw the calendar hanging in the kitchen, they threw it away and decided to live in the moment and enjoy every moment they had left.
I don’t really know the purpose of this post but I felt like I needed to get it out of me and on “paper.” I love my husband so much! He was made for me, for sure. He helps keep me sane (as much as that is even possible). I know that he would take all the CF crap away in a second if he could. Since he doesn’t have super powers, he chooses to love me through it and push me to do all of the stuff I need to do to keep me here as long as possible. He truly is my rock and keeps me grounded. I have those days where I feel like “I love you” isn’t enough to show how much I love him. There are also times that I just want to squeeze him so hard because the “I love you” just isn’t enough. I guess it is that I always want him to know how much I love him and how much he means to me and to never forget it. Well that was one heck of a mushy post. I love you lover!!
Until next time…