This post might be a little scatterbrained, just bear with me. I have been sleeping a lot which is the usual when I am not feeling good. I slept a little better last night and by “a little” I mean very very marginal. It’s a good thing that I can go back to sleep when woken up in the middle of the night and early morning. I slept most of the day yesterday and most of the morning today. I forced myself to muster up enough energy to take a shower. Then I quickly realized that was a dumb idea. Hahaha. I had to catch my breath shortly after getting in the shower and then catch my breath once I got out. Then again while getting dressed and drying my hair, etc. You don’t realize how much energy and oxygen it takes to do the simplest things until you feel like they have been stripped from you.
Nothing much will happen over the weekend simply because it’s the weekend. Any testing or treatment changes happen during the regular week unless there is an emergent situation. I’m still using oxygen because I am getting so out of breath from coughing and just walking to the bathroom. The oxygen helps my heart to not have to work as hard. I would not be surprised if I end up going home on oxygen, even if it’s for night time use only. I used to be scared and sad by the thought of using O2 24/7 or at night because that meant I was getting sicker. As my mom would say, “it is what it is.” I can’t change the fact that my lungs are getting sicker but I can adapt and deal. Having O2 is also another visual reminder of CF and others will be able to see it unlike right now when people say “you look so good, not sick at all.” Like I’ve said before, that is a hard statement to swallow because I feel sick but don’t look sick so people don’t understand the reality of CF. Some may even think I’m “faking” or exaggerating but let them think what they want. If they think that, I don’t want them in my life. I only want positive people in my circle.
Switching gears…11 days have passed since my mama breathed her last breath. It still doesn’t feel real. I feel like someone just gave me misinformation and mom will answer my phone call and texts. Then reality hits and my heart stops for a second when I relive the reality all over again. People say, “I’m so sorry to hear about your mom,” my initial response wants to be, “me too.” I want her back, even if it’s just to say I love you and hear her say the same one more time. Some may not like this part of my post but this is me being real. If you are smoking, please stop. I could have had my mom for longer had she quit smoking a long time ago. Think about your kids (and the rest of your family) that have to endure your COPD/Emphysema, it’s hard to watch. You will be leaving your kids behind because of your stubbornness to quit. Your kids deserve better and more than to remember you as a sick person because of cigarettes. I say it out of love, please quit smoking! I have no choice for my lungs to be crappy but you do and you can make a difference. Do what’s right.
I’m sure tomorrow will be another sleepy day. I’ll update on Monday after I see a doctor who has something to share. Haha
Until next time…