Where has my joy gone? Where is the happy-go-lucky Shannon that we are all used to? Losing my mom seems to have taken my joy away on top of my CF progressing. I had a good cry fest over our trip to KC over Spring Break. Maybe it was because I couldn’t see my mom while there as usual. Maybe it’s because I’m just a wimp and got home sick within days of being in KC. I like the comfort of home where all of my medical stuff is so I have the things I need. Packing with all the medical stuff is a pain in rear. The anxiety of “did I remember everything.” I forgot one of my inhaled meds this trip, ugh. We were gone 10 days. I defiantly could tell a difference not having it but I made it through.
The meaning of Joy is “a feeling of great pleasure and happiness.” I feel like my happiness is hit or miss these days and that sucks. I don’t know how I can make it come back again. Depression is real and it really sucks. I have my good days and I have my not so good days where it takes everything in me to get out of bed to even do my treatments, even though I need them. Sometimes it’s all I can do to muster up enough motivation to do my treatments and eat a little something. I absolutely hate those days with a passion. I push as hard as I can to get past the feeling of not wanting to do things or force myself beyond my worn outness to do things. It is hard. I’m not looking for sympathy but to educate you all on what depression looks like and that it is real and I wish nothing more than being able to snap out of it! If I could snap out of it then I would have months ago. I’m not saying that I am not happy with my life because I am very happy. I have an amazing husband and great bonus kids. I’m not in want for the necessities. Of course I would love to be at the beach more often…hahaha.
I want to laugh more. I want to be able to endure a fun night out without being worn out and ready to go. I want to have my happy-go-lucky self back. This part of life has been very hard and frustrating. I have heard that when your parents pass away you feel like an orphan and I understand that feeling. I still have my dad which I am thankful for but not having my mom has brought that orphan feeling at times.
I have been anxious about things that would never cross my mind before which is weird. I don’t know where they come from but they can go any time now. I don’t want this to be my forever. I have to get beyond this but I just don’t know how. I will keep working on it though. I don’t want to give up.
Until next time…