Depression on a rainy day

Depression on a rainy day is no fun.  Depression itself is no fun to live with.  Depression on a holiday where we honor the men and women who paid the ultimate sacrifice for our country is not easy either.  Reading/hearing all the stories of the fallen heroes is hard when you are not having a good mental day.  I got teary eyed (as usual) as the XM radio’s “The Highway” played “Taps” to honor those killed in action.  This weekend has been hard one for me and I don’t really know why.  

I hate when I have what I call “blah” days.  I’m just not felling it on those days.  I would rather sleep the day away so that I don’t have to adult or even think.  I don’t know if the new CF drug (Symdeko) that I am taking is messing with my depression and anxiety but whatever it is can stop it now.  I don’t like not being myself and not to be around people.  When you see the commercials about depression and how it makes you feel, it’s right on.  I’ve had a few dreams with my mom in them which makes me want to stay asleep so I can see her.  Then when I wake up it makes me miss her even more.   Life stressors don’t help depression either.  Basically being an adult for the most part is hard and makes my depression harder to handle at times for me.  That may sound really stupid because it does to me but unfortunately it’s the truth.  I feel like I haven’t smiled, really smiled, in too long.  I’ve been “faking it until I make it” for a while now.  The hard part for those around me is they think it’s them.  They also think they can do something to make it better or they feel helpless.  There’s really nothing that can be done except for me to work and push through it.  We are coming up on my favorite season, summer, so hopefully the sunshine and warmth helps bring some happiness into my life.  I hate saying it that way because it makes it sound like I’m not happy which I am but I could be much happier.

The thing is, it’s not like I have a bad life at all because I don’t.  I have a wonderful husband who loves me through all of my ups and downs.  We celebrate 8 years of marriage tomorrow and 11 years together.  He is my rock and helps me live life.  There is so much more I could say about how great he is.  I have great friends.  I have a loving family.  It’s all good.  So why the depression Shannon, why??  It is so frustrating.  If I could make it go away I would in a heartbeat!  If you have a loved one that suffers from depression and/or anxiety know that all you can do is love them and encourage them.  I use suffer to describe it because it really is no fun and it is torturous at times.  Unlike CF, I endure CF and battle against it.  I just feel like I am up for more of a fight with depression.  Ok I think you get the picture from my word vomit about how I’m feeling lately.  I only share these intimate details because it’s life and it’s real.  If it helps someone along the way then I did my part by being an open book.  No matter all the life frustrations and the curve balls thrown at me, I will fight on and not give up.

Side note: Depression is common in people with CF because of all they have to endure with CF.  It catches up to them at some point usually.  Mine just so happened to be when I was 16.  If you have read “my life story” then you can understand some of the situational depression that I have had to endure through my life.

Until next time…

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