When you have a chronic illness waiting is part of life.  Waiting to get better, waiting/holding steady or waiting to die.  Yep, I said it.  It’s a part of my reality and when I have friends waiting for lungs and others who are not candidates for transplant or don’t want to go that route who are basically waiting to die.  Maybe you could call it “living to die.”  Whatever it may be, it is life.

I have friends who are on the waiting list for lungs and have had multiple “dry runs.”  A “dry run” is when you get called saying there are possible lungs just to wait it out to find out they are not viable and can not be used.  Once again, lots of waiting going on.  When you are on the transplant list waiting for “the call” you are filled with many different emotions.  Then when you get a dry run that messes with your emotions even more.  You think, “will it ever happen.”

Am I waiting to live or waiting to die?  Waiting to live would mean that I am having positive thoughts of “I can do this,” “I can make it through,” “I will do all that I can to make the most of this.  I always try to be positive and as you have seen over the last month or so that this lovely depression has made me question things.

Waiting to die.  There are some people who choose not to go the route of lung transplant and live out the lungs God gave them.  They are “ok” with the process of dying and all that it entails.

With my current issues with my depression, there has been a lot of questions, fears, and more going on in my mind.  This is a hard life to live.  One day you are waiting to live and the next you may be waiting to die.  It’s a crazy disease and the roller coaster is nuts.

I have always said “I don’t care what others think about me.’  I learned this week that was not that case.  Especially when I know in my heart I am right.  I have always tried to not let things get to me but I’m human.  I want people to know how big my heart is and I would do anything I can for my friends only because I would want the same in return.  My heart hurts when I lose a friend for being honest with what was is in my heart out of concern.  I still care.  I value all of my friendships.  I get something from each and everyone one of you.

Until next time….