I am officially off the Effexor and it has not been easy.  I am experiencing what are called “brain zaps.”  It is really like your brain goes “bzzz zzzz zzz.”  It is very annoying and makes me want to scream.  My body is sore.  The commercials that say “depression hurts” are the truth.  It doesn’t help right now that I am on Levaquin that causes joint and muscle pain.  It’s a double whammy.

One of these days I will be able to write a positive post stating that I am feeling better and my depression is better.  The last two days I have been crying out of nowhere.  I have been missing my mom so very much.  I don’t know if the grief will ever end.  People say that “time will heal.”  Well you didn’t know my mom than because she and I were the best of friends and losing your best friend who happens to be your parent is so hard.  I’m crying just thinking about her as I write.

This blog is my outlet to the world to let people know that you are not alone in this thing called life, no matter the ups and downs.  Depression makes you feel alone in your thoughts and they don’t shut up.

Now even deeper…(Open book alert)  I am scared at where my health is heading.  Even with me holding steady at the moment.  I am nervous in general.  Depression doesn’t help it for sure.  Do I want to transplant or don’t I?  It is really scary to think about.  All of the options.  I have friends that didn’t/don’t want transplant and ones that never made it there.  Since I am 8 hours away from my CF center (the one I chose due to statistics), the logistics of it all is very overwhelming.  I don’t want to inconvenience people.  My husband just got a new job/career after serving our country for 20 years and I don’t want to ruin that by needing him to take 3 months off of anytime off.  I will need caretakers and I can’t count on people that have a life to where they can’t just stop their life for me which is one of the reasons I have thought about not getting a transplant.  I’m sure when my depression is better I will think differently but at this moment I am scared and nervous.  Hopefully transplant is many years down the road so that my husband has enough time at his job to be able to take the time I need with no problems.  The selfish me says no I won’t do it for that reason that.  I don’t want to mess up his work.  Ya know he is our only income.

No, I am NOT listed for a transplant.  I am still too healthy (with lung function of 35%) which is a good thing but when I don’t feel great it’s a mind game.  With that said anything can happen at anytime and I can get very sick very quick.  I hope and pray that I can put off transplant for many years.  I want to be able to live my life to the fullest in the meantime but I don’t know what that looks like.  I never want to put a damper on people because I don’t feel good (emotionally and/or physically).  I know I know, Shannon don’t say that, that’s just silly it doesn’t mean that I don’t think it.

My husband says, “we knew what we were getting into a decade ago and we were going live our lives to the fullest no matter the amount of time that may be.”  I have the sweetest most understanding husband a girl could ask for.

Please pray that this new antidepressant (Trintellix) starting kicking in and working ASAP!!!  I’m on week 3 and was able to up the dose a little.  I see my psych doctor on the 29th and I’m hoping that I will notice an improvement.  I’m waiting for the day I wake up and can say “life doesn’t suck today.”  Ok that’s enough of that.  I’m tired of crying through this post.

Until next time…