I was paroled from lock up on Monday the 7th after 12 long days.  It seems that every time I’m on the ride back home from the hospital that I notice all sorts of new things along the way.  This time it was road construction.  The Smokey Mountains are never a new view to me but the drive from the hospital to our house has one of the best views of the mountains and I am always in awe of them.  Never fails, it’s my favorite drive with the best view.  It’s home to me.

I know I brag on my husband often but I am truly blessed to have this man in my life.  He takes such great care of me and everything else in our life.  No matter how full his plate is, he makes room for more.  That’s when I want him to dump the plate in the trash and start over.  He deserves a vacation from being a CF husband at some point, it’s draining.  But not too long because I need him.  haha 😉

When we got home from the hospital I crashed on the couch, he brought me my oxygen cannula, ice water, ibuprofen, unpacked and put away ALL of my stuff.  He left to run a few errands and gets some dinner for us.  Oh did I mention that I crashed as in fell asleep and was asleep the whole time he was gone with 2 puppies on my lap while I was under my so loved and adored Sherpa blanket.  When he got home I woke up in a puddle of sweat.  Yay.

Day 1 at home:  Awoke in a pool of sweat yet again.  6 am dose of IV Zerbaxa…supposed to last an hour as per the settings they have, an hour and some later I was done (enough that is).  It was back to sleep for me.  I woke up around 11:00 or 12:00 (sweaty again, I better be sweating all this crap out is all I have to say).  Breathing treatment time.  2pm brings on another Zerbaxa IV dose.  I spent the afternoon trying to make myself be productive even if it was just walking to the bathroom without taking a break, seriously.  Needless to say day 1 sucked which was my mental state as well.

I posted today on Instagram and Facebook about my struggle with depression.  As you know I am an open book.  I figure why stop sharing my reality now just because it may be embarrassing.  A lot of people deal with depression and many never seek any help for it which leads to many suicides.

This is what I shared accompanied with this picture … “Here I am faking this sh!t. Smile attempted. If there’s 1 thing I could ask of you all, it would be to pray for this draining and debilitating depression to go away! Also for these lower back spasms to go away along with an exponential increase in energy and motivation.  Oh yeah and for the infection to be gone and for me to BE better!  Many of you have inquired about whether or not I see a counselor and/or take antidepressants. I do both. I have been on meds for 10+ years. Thank you genetics for the lovely depression and anxiety genes. Depression has been a part of my life for a long time. You take the good with the bad. I know “I” will resurface again, I am just asking for any and all extra prayers. “For where 2 or 3 have gathered together in My name, I am there in their midst.”  – Matthew 18:21  I can use all the help I can get.  I know that I have some prayer warriors on my side along with those that may not pray but can send positive thoughts my way.  I thank you for all of them.

When you live a life knowing you have non-curable terminal disease you know what the outcome will be unless of course I choke on a big ol bite of angel food cake.  Depression is bound to grab ahold at some point even if it is for a season and you are able to move on from it.  I, unfortunately, have not been that lucky.  I started taking anti-depressants a the age of 16, right around the lovely rebellious teenage years.  I do have clinical depression, situational depression (life circumstances), SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder) and general anxiety.  My anxiety has been much more in full effect since my mom’s passing and the need for oxygen.  The anxiety of not being able to breathe or catch my breath is very scary and it takes a bit for me to be able to calm down from that.  It somewhat feels like you are drowning on your own air and you can’t get any air in to expand your lungs to rescue you.  Not so fun sounding huh?  Nope.

I am of course taking it very easy and honestly my body won’t let me do anymore than that anyway.  I am still lacking sleep as I have IVs every 8 hours.  I have been on Zerbaxa for 14 days.  I have been on Levaquin for like 4 or 5 days less than the Zerbaxa since they originally started me on the IV Colistin at first.  I have a CF clinic appointment on the 17th which will be days 22 days on Zerbaxa.  The stop date on my IV home health orders say the 23rd which will be 28 days total of the Zerbaxa.  It’s all a matter of how I feel and how any X-ray or scans look as to if I am done at that time or need to continue.  Time will tell.  I think that covers my first few days at home.  Sorry it was a long post.  Thanks for making it to the end….if you did that is.  haha

Until next time…