Ugh it’s been 9 long days here in lock up. It’s a given I’m here for the weekend. Getting out on a weekend when you are going home on IV antibiotics is pretty much unheard of. I don’t believe the home health pharmacy is staffed on weekends. I could be wrong though. I’m hoping to be paroled the beginning of the week but only time will tell. 

This pain of mine has been stubborn and being loud and proud and not wanting to be silenced. Well I have news for you pain, just because you haven’t silenced much yet, you will be shut down eventually. The pain on my right side is muscle/skeletal probably a pulled muscle on top of the abscess. The pain on my left side feels like my chest wall is spasming and I feel a liquid type movement when breathe deep and expand my lungs. The left side is probably more pleurisy pain. Unfortunately there is nothing you can do for pleuritic pain except take pain relievers and they usually don’t do much. They made some med changed today. My IV antibiotics are the same, no changes there. My pain meds have changed. They took the Dilaudid off and changed the Percocet to every 6 hours from every 4 hours as needed. They added oral Mobic 7.5mg which is an anti inflammatory like ibuprofen and scheduled oral Flexeril, a muscle relaxer, 3 times a day. The psych doc gave me a different anxiety med called Hydroxyzine also known as Vistaril (brand name). She also changed my Ambien to Seroquil to try to see if I liked it better. I’m not sold on it yet.

I have had a rough few days emotionally. I’m drained. I just want to be home with my husband, stepson and furry boys! That’s not too much to ask is it? I know my body has to obey to allow me to go home. I can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel and it is frustrating. I feel like I’m lost in the tunnel. Being chronically sick takes a tole on your mental strength. You think, “I got this,” then you get sick and can’t seem to catch a break and the “go get em” mentality is no longer there. You want to curl up and sleep until everything is better. Hello depression, I hear you loud and clear. It’s hard to fight mentally when you don’t feel like you can fight physically. There’s no giving up here so don’t worry about that. It just may take me longer to get me where I want to be. Depression is real people. It is a taboo subject to a lot of people because they say it makes them appear weak. Well I have something to tell you, acknowledging your depression will get you from weak to strong. This is more so a taboo subject amongst men. Talk to your doctor if you think you are depressed. It’s better to catch it in the beginning so you can get the help you need. Loving someone with a mental illness like depression can be hard if you yourself don’t have it. If you are on the “outside” is doesn’t make sense, you think just get up and do what you have to do. It’s not that easy, unfortunately.

I was watching Grey’s Anatomy last night and one of the storylines was of a woman who let her son live with someone else because she had addiction issues and said she would be back when she had her life together. She hadn’t talked to him in like 6 years.  She was being checked and scanned for cancer which she was cancer free. She was ready to go Meredith noticed her red port area. The docs convinced her to call her son. She called and he was happy to hear from her and he was coming to the hospital so he could see her after her surgery to remove her port. Oh yeah, Blood spurted out when Meredith went to remove the port and the blood never stopped. I cried when she called her son. I then cried when he got to see her in the morgue for the first time in 6 years. What I wouldn’t give for one more hug or phone call. Needless to say I was having a missing my mom night.  Love your moms, you never know what life holds. Of course that goes for every person in your life but at the moment I’m missing my mom.

Until next time…